![]() ![]() Theologically, then, these witches are in a pickle. Muriel hopes to make herself (and her sisters) invulnerable to fire (and thus nigh invincible), but to work this delicate piece of magic, she needs the heart from a “great white witch.” Gretel is that witch, even though Gretel herself doesn’t realize it until Muriel is actively trying to remove her heart from her ribcage. Which explains why the evil witches are so keen on capturing the sibs. And while practicing white sorcery still involves spell books and such, becoming a white witch is less a matter of choice and more a matter of heredity in Hansel and Gretel’s world. But we know that when they “bless” weapons, those weapons are far more effective on run-of-the-mill evil witches. In fact, we rarely see them use magic at all. We later learn of the existence of the so-called white witches. Someone refers to the witches as “spawn of Satan.” And we know that that first witch Hansel and Gretel encountered loved to eat kids. So bad that we see them attempt to sacrifice children and others under a blood-red moon-the most unholy holiday these witches have seen for several years. But just what sorts of witches are they? That’s a more ticklish question. Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunter is filthy with witches. ![]() And when another white witch sacrifices herself to save Hansel, Muriel declares her “pathetic.” We, naturally, would beg to differ. “They died to save you,” Muriel snidely tells Gretel and Hansel. The concept of “good” witches is always problematic, of course, but we must still laud Mom for doing a supremely motherly thing here. So she casts a spell to permanently protect her children from bad witch magic and sends them away for their own safety, leaving herself at the mercy of the mob. Turns out, their mother was a “good” witch who sensed that villagers were coming to kill her. It’s important to note that Hansel and Gretel’s parents didn’t just desert their kids because they wanted to go play the slots somewhere. While none of these characters are necessarily paragons of virtue, they do what-in the movie’s troubled ethos-must be done. Their moxie inspires others to chip in, too: Mina, a lovely villager who was nearly burned as a witch herself an ogre who previously served in the nefarious coven of a certain powerful witch named Muriel a youth who hopes to become a witch hunter himself one day. But there is at least one other positive worth mentioning: Hansel and Gretel routinely risk their lives to take down the worst of their land’s evil denizens-saving whatever children might need saving while they’re at it. That last bit of introspection isn’t really in this movie, just so you know. They’re given enough coin for their bloody escapades to keep them in food and grog.īut perhaps, in the quiet moments as they scrub witch gore from their weapons, they wonder whether a different, more peaceful life might’ve been theirs … had their parents been able to take care of them. They become celebrities, impressing villagers with their unmatched panache and grotesque, perilous tales (much like our modern rappers). They create their own informal extermination services, dispatching old crones and hags and wart-covered sorceresses wherever they may lurk. Thankfully, this hardy pair proved surprisingly resourceful, tossing the witch into her own oven and setting the broil dial to “kill.” Then, lacking proper adult guidance (or parents of any kind, actually) and needing to make a living somehow, the two orphans decided to pursue a trade that capitalizes on the only thing they really knew how to do: killing witches. The next thing they know, they’re trapped inside a house made of candy, being force-fed sweets by an ugly, angry witch and stoking the very oven she plans to cook them in. One night, their father led the two urchins into the deep, dark forest and left them there, never to return. ![]() They might’ve each gotten married, purchased nice, suburban homes and met each other from time to time for a chat over espressos at Grimm’s Olde Coffee Shoppe.Īlas, Hansel and Gretel’s home life took a terrible turn for the worse. Hansel could’ve been an accountant, or maybe gotten involved in embroidery work. Gretel might’ve become an advertising executive or doctor. Had they been able to stay with their parents through their inevitably turbulent teen years, perhaps their lives might’ve been different. For a good chunk of their childhoods, these siblings grew up in an idyllic home setting with Mom and Pops-playing, eating dinner together and frolicking through the forest without a care in the world. And if things take a really uncomfortable turn, they could well become homeless mercenaries, spending their adult lives hacking up and burning hags. Without such a setting, kids are statistically more likely to abuse alcohol and get in trouble at school. We at Plugged In strongly support the idea of raising children in cheerful, stable, cannibal/witch-free homes. ![]()
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